Lynn David Newton
GETTING CLOSE Do You Want To Know A Secret
Monday, December 27, 1999
Yesterday at 9:00 AM, the 6-day Across the Years footrace began.
The official obese dubification of the aggregate is: The 17th Annual
6-Day, 48-Hour, 24-Hour Run, Walk, Nap, and Eat Across the Years,
Decades, Centuries, and Millennia Races. Regardless of what the
majority believe concerning when the new millennium starts, the
runners are in motion as I write.
I’ve seen a vision of the future. By 2050, human fitness standards
will have changed. Everyone, including women, will run even winter
trail marathons barefoot and bare-chested. The athletic shoe industry
will collapse, with the survivors hanging on by diversifying into
buying up Starbucks franchises.
In 2050 runners will wear only shorts made out of a yet-to-be-invented
miracle fiber that regenerates life to the wearer, one that transmits
hydration, electrolytes, and energy to the body by osmosis. It will
be necessary to replenish the fabric simply by wading every fifty
miles or so through a tub of Skippy peanut butter. Most people will
learn to love this requirement.
The men’s world record for the marathon will stand at 1:29:55,
and the women’s record at 1:28:20. The women will achieve superior
performance because of their efforts to run from the men chasing
them. And no one will much care any longer when the new millennium
Excerpts from ‘Running Through the Millennium’
by Lynn David Newton